I miss waking up with a spring in my step, I miss looking forward to what the day holds for me, I miss being active, I miss being actively involved in the life of my kids, I miss driving/going on long drives/traveling, I miss socializing/meeting my friends over coffee, I miss dressing up/ I miss being passionate and being able to pursue my interests, I miss being focused and sharp, I miss cooking up a storm/ moving around the house/working on fun projects with my kids/putting together impromptu picnics/outings, I miss not being in pain ALL the time/I miss not being tired/I miss not thinking about my health, I miss being hands-on, I miss being connected, I miss being spontaneous,………..and most of all I miss being ME! I miss being Lakshmi!
Days turn into weeks, weeks turn into months and months turn into years……….and the only constant in my life now is pain, chronic, debilitating, exhausting pain. During my last doc visit, he said that you come under the 25% category of people suffering with chronic Fibromyalgia, cos you did not get it treated at the onset of FM and it will take some time to get better, for the pain to reduce. New symptoms crop up, new meds get added on, new restrictions get imposed…………one flare-up leads to another making me feel like I am stuck in a never ending nightmare. Good days are practically non-existent and anything I want to do requires extensive planning, thinking about every action, how that might/might not affect me, to the extent of breaking every single thing into teeny-tiny steps. I am trying to be as positive as I can be, but self motivation and positive thinking can only go so far………..until pain takes over and the ability to cope decreases. I try to be hopeful and not give into negative thoughts but it is getting difficult with each day. I am tired of the pain, I am tired of putting up a brave/tough front, I just want to break down, really really break down and cry cos I am exhausted. Its like I have been in a cocoon as a caterpillar and not being able to metamorphose!
It’s not like my life was always a cake-walk, in fact it was never that. It was instead a mix of good and bad, pleasant and unpleasant, ups and downs, success and failure, joys and sorrows and the best part was I was ME, myself and I. I wonder………if I will ever be able to savor and enjoy the simple(r) pleasures of life, if I will ever be able to be ME again….cos that’s all I can do now, keep wondering!
“Sometimes you wonder, I mean really wonder. I know we make our own reality, and we always have a choice, but how much is preordained? Is there always a fork in the road, and are there two preordained paths that are equally preordained? There could be hundreds of paths where one could go this way or that way — there’s a chance, and it’s very strange sometimes.” ~ John Lennon