Being Hopeful in Bad Health

On this path, the first rule is stop blaming yourself. What is spirituality? It is getting in touch with yourself, the core of your being. If you keep blaming yourself, how can you go near yourself? You will never want to be with someone who blames. You can never be at peace, you can never dive inside and you can never transcend when you keep doing it. So never blame yourself ~ Sri Sri Ravi Shankar

Needed this this morning, as I am feeling extremely exhausted and weak, in a lot pain, my mind is in a 100 different places (my health, my kids, my family, my personal life, my professional life, my dreams, my abilities and inabilities, anything and everything that came to mind)  and totally out of whack. Obviously I was feeling a bit overwhelmed as I was thinking about how my bad health is putting a damper on my family, like how my mind knows what it has to do but my body is unable to, the feeling of being trapped inside this body….And if i am feeling like this now, how I will feel when I am a bit older, how will take care of my family, be spontaneous with my kids….and so on and so forth, i was out of control in the  blame spiral.

Most days when I am positive, upbeat, try to be hopeful and calm but days like today when one symptom snowballs into triggering another one, I feel very hopeless. Sleep is just a distant memory as my whole body feels like it is on fire combined with twisted muscles (think gnarly twisted tree roots with twinkly christmas lights ON all the time) so I am unable to sleep properly and this in turn increases the pain and disorientation. Any routine that you have goes for a toss.

Sometimes, I just feel so lost but I try to hold on to some semblance of hope that “This too shall pass,” even if it takes its own sweet time. And, despite the pain and weakness even on days like these, I am glad that I am no longer dependent on any meds, am able to focus myself by being aware and and doing things the way I have been – approaching and accomplishing tasks, one at a time as though each one were a goal.

Like Andy Dufresne says in his letter to Red, Remember Red, hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies.



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